Every Day A Fresh Start: Living with Alcoholism and Sobriety with Kelly Ayen

After decades of addictive behavior, first, with food and then with alcohol, Kelly Ayen hit bottom with a vengeance: Enter a rigorous rehabilitation program and obtain sobriety, or be subject to a restraining order that would keep her from her young children. 

She chose sobriety. In her journey, she also found a passion for helping other women who, like her, turned to addictive behaviors to mask a deep lack of self-worth. 

Kelly’s story is about a woman who fought her way back and found a new way of living.

Transcript

Jennifer Malcolm: 0:10

Calling all women who are curious and called Welcome to the next episode of Jennasis Speaks podcast The literally met about five minutes ago and our pre production work, today.

Kelly Ayen: 0:59

Thank you so much. It's an honor to be here.

Jennifer Malcolm: 1:02

And you're beaming, I love when people come

Kelly Ayen: 1:18

thank you. I mean, it's always exciting. I don't and and empower people, women, you know,

Jennifer Malcolm: 1:38

So good.

Kelly Ayen: 1:39

Yeah.

Jennifer Malcolm: 1:39

So I'm gonna read a short bio, we prepared

Kelly Ayen: 1:44

Sounds great.

Jennifer Malcolm: 1:45

All right. So Kelly Ayen is a recovery alcoholic, now sober for three and a half years. Beautiful. And very courageous. I just would like you to start at the

Kelly Ayen: 2:33

But yeah, that sounds great. Um, I am very open about it and keeping myself in check. And I you know, it helps addictive personality I always have I'm back into my childhood eating, sitting in my closet eating raw cookie dough brownie alcoholism and me hiding that as well. So it definitely has been and I think the food and the alcohol just gave me some sort had to be an A. Like I said, I was an overweight kid and I life. My mother would dress me because the clothes wasn't good whole life wasn't my father. So and it's just all these, these wasn't going to work, either. My dad was abusive, to my mom and the best environment. For me. It was it's a breeding ground for Still. I went to college, and I was still a heavy girl. I stole dropped out, I ran because it's just like, what do I do when because I didn't like myself. I just never finished anything. In and then it would be bad again. And then I could stop for a But you know, when I got pregnant with Caitlin, Caitlin liked me more. I was funnier. I thought I was prettier. You

Jennifer Malcolm: 7:51

When you were a child sitting in the closet, it as you talk further about your relationship with your

Kelly Ayen: 8:24

That's a great question. I think, I think it's few years is that the sweets, the chocolate that I was eating instantaneous guilt, you know, and you're like, I'm not going

Jennifer Malcolm: 9:07

And the other piece is perfectionism, because perfectionist and need to get straight A's I need to be the sense of security or maybe it's a flight or fight mechanism, but becomes this Well, I'm going to push forward and this expectations of your body image and your grades. And mine wasn't wanted to make that comparison.

Kelly Ayen: 10:41

Yeah, that is interesting. I know, a lot of to cope.

Jennifer Malcolm: 11:00

Right. And it was interesting, because I was question, think back what your image body image may be 100 having large boobs and you know, curvy, curvy hips and a size 02 You know, 95% of women are just beautiful women that are just

Kelly Ayen: 12:12

Yeah, it's, it's funny, because some of the most their beauty and their personality makes them so out for the women. I mean, I've got a 16 year old daughter, and

Jennifer Malcolm: 12:59

Let's go back to your story. Because you were

Kelly Ayen: 13:14

Sure. So I got pregnant with Kaitlyn with her Where are we not so at the time, I was unclear what I was going born. I was like this she has 10 fingers and 10 toes it was it work and we were struggling financially. Um, I was working made homemade playdough you know when I'm cooking dinner and a nice buzz going on just to be better. We did end up getting

Jennifer Malcolm: 15:10

Did your life from the outside look disruptive that

Kelly Ayen: 15:31

No I would say it was only um, my mother, my new anyways so it was like you're trying to do something that is

Jennifer Malcolm: 16:02

For you Was it easy to hide or easy to hide?

Kelly Ayen: 16:13

It was easy for me to hide for a while it was easy did not. I breastfed him for a full year and I didn't drink. of mind altering substance, I was right back to where I couldn't wait for five o'clock. You know, you're watching the

Jennifer Malcolm: 17:21

And I know that that is where the disparity inflicted lies and control. Have I got this? it's manageable. I'm cycle?

Kelly Ayen: 18:07

Oh, well, in a nutshell, I did not wait until would pound I would drink before people came over. Um, you know, last year of my drinking, I was a shut in. I was drinking all end, it's just kind of like, I'm not gonna stop you here. You give them some sort of normalcy. I would hear it taking care of

Jennifer Malcolm: 19:43

So it sounds may have had a level of

Kelly Ayen: 19:55

It led up to it. I was always anxious. I always truly liked me for who I was. But that depression, it was times, if he did succeed and not allowing me to get alcohol. I that either. Wow. So you know, and I, he would say you need to night of drinking, and I'll go tomorrow. So, you know, we did, wasn't an alcoholic, that I absolutely could gain control of I don't remember her ever being intoxicated. But you know, when know? My biological father who I'm not, I don't know, I'm not

Jennifer Malcolm: 22:26

Wow

Kelly Ayen: 22:26

Yeah.

Jennifer Malcolm: 22:28

After you get to your 30 day program, you're

Kelly Ayen: 22:34

Well, I tried a couple other things. We tried probably 45 days, the kids would come and see me, but they were were going to keep me longer this time. You know, and they're I have failed as a mother, I have failed as a caregiver. I deflection below another man is a perfect deflection for me. So everything that I wanted to hear. You know, I was drinking and he's mad at me now, you know, and he took everything you could do that. So I tried it. Gosh, Yep. Yep. Um, so that, last week in December 1 week in January, um, which would be nothing but my underwear and bra. I ran to the neighbors and all this stuff. But that night, I knew it was over. The next telling them I was sober. Um, and they, they were laughing at they're like, We apologize. But like, you should be dead right

Jennifer Malcolm: 27:00

And remembering.

Kelly Ayen: 27:01

That's how high my tolerance was. Yeah, I mean, I, to tequila and vodka was on top of the line and, and all that EMT, I can't do this anymore. And I've never had suicidal the psych ward. And that was the best thing that ever happened to feeding into me, you know, and it's just so it goes to show worker came up and she was like looking, you know, your husband I don't work. I was a stay at home mom. You know, and I looks beautiful. It had a pool and bungalows. And I was like,

Jennifer Malcolm: 29:29

Bait and switch there.

Kelly Ayen: 29:34

But I you know, I agreed to go to Florida. I went the airport. But I flew down I was picked up by the treatment still, you know, and I didn't feel like I belonged there. I just talked to Ambrose and he said, I could go home. So unless They scared me. They changed me from the core. It's just, I beginning, I only got to speak to my children in detox. I me sad. Yeah. The first day with my therapist, she's like, I'd the two years that I spent in Florida, honestly, you know, I

Jennifer Malcolm: 32:20

What was so different about this program

Kelly Ayen: 32:33

Both they they scared me out of my mind, to be saw right through me and I was with some, some girls now that very easily. And I kind of sheltered myself, but they were leave me alone because I was new. So I wasn't I was just kind you should be. He's like, you're a woman alcoholic, you should be someone who really loved me for me. I know my mom, like, loves helped. Everybody played a role, but this one clinician, I walked much weight. Now you see where my addiction is moving, it's Here's another Connecticut and titled, B. wants to have a seat. you know, and it was the longest three hours of my life. But that just like, that was the first time that anyone ever really did you know, I thought I was going to get an apartment at home, be these generational curses. Don't I want better for my kids? You went into there halfway into their sober living program. So So I did that for a few more months, I got a job at a local personalities, you know, old young, it's just, it was a

Jennifer Malcolm: 38:21

I don't want to miss that piece with your then you start seeing, you know, unhealthy behavior or to, you know, topple yet if I'm willing to go deep to wounds and wouldn't let you get through or past your own lies or denial to that takes a tremendous amount of courage. And I really want to

Kelly Ayen: 39:45

Thank you. Yeah, it was not easy. No one's ever you can have a wound and put a bandaid on it. But it's not

Jennifer Malcolm: 40:27

Finding new language and new vernacular, a

Kelly Ayen: 40:31

And a new stren

Jennifer Malcolm: 40:34

nd your esolve to stay committed and

Kelly Ayen: 40:47

It was a lot of hard work. And it was, I'll tell you me. Um, my ex started dating one of my friends while I was gone, sober enough to want to be handling all of these lines in

Jennifer Malcolm: 41:39

So then how long were you in Florida versus

Kelly Ayen: 41:44

I did I i've been home now for a year. It's been a my money, go home, save and do that all over again. I'm at my know, a little something on a studio apartment in Florida. But felt like that's where I want it to be. And I knew that I wanted my life. So they did, they hired me and I and I worked there for a healthy coping skill of mine now. I never got involved in a I agreed that if if what they were telling me to do didn't

Jennifer Malcolm: 44:10

So was it super scary to make that questions that you have now working for and with and a lot

Kelly Ayen: 44:45

No, I wasn't confident at all. And I don't hard every day, I have to keep myself in check. You know, while. So, you know, I tend to get into those pity parties, but knows that I left. So I'm already stigmatized, so who's with me? are they waiting for me to reach out? Or should I wait arms. And just cuz I get nervous, you know, and but I falling into place. So I kind of just let things happen. Because and like the world is pulling me to go left, like I just need to

Jennifer Malcolm: 47:06

Wrapping up, I do have a question on addiction alcoholic, but I'm not anymore. But now exercise is all I can good.

Kelly Ayen: 47:48

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, you need to be they don't think about I only exercised for 40 minutes today, about it, then you know there's a problem. You know, it does it like it's okay. It's okay. You know, this is how you're problem, then there's a problem, then you need to reach out and other women, which is why I'm dedicating my life to it. You understands you like another woman, you know.

Jennifer Malcolm: 49:38

And as we're wrapping up, I am humbled by vulnerable and so Like, I don't know you, but like proud of the that you share today that I am amazed by the woman that you

Kelly Ayen: 50:23

Thank you so much. That means a lot. Thank you,

Jennifer Malcolm: 50:28

You're so welcome. Do you have any last

Kelly Ayen: 50:34

I just hope that you know, if there's anybody flashlight.

Jennifer Malcolm: 50:53

So good. Well, thank you. It's such an honor to or walk in life, where you're at, and self image, confidence, thank you, Kelly. It's been an honor.

Kelly Ayen: 51:36

Thank you.

Jennifer Malcolm: 51:38

Very welcome. All right. Thanks, ladies for you like about it, how it inspires you and invite them to